God forgives me... Can I?

March 7, 2012

Thus begins the next round of preparation for Sacraments. This is my third session of inmates going through this course at a state run prison. The classes in the prison begin in September and run for 26 lessons. The journey begins as a search for something more and develops into a quest for a new life.

This search for God is unlike most RCIA classes for a couple of reasons. In addition to catechesis in the Catholic Faith, there is a great desire in them to find answers and tools that will help them forge a new life. Most have had little instruction in the values and virtues necessary to live a Christian life. And so, we begin by building a strong base of knowledge, but we also work on what is needed for them to grow and develop their Faith into something living; something that they can own and believe in. Something that will carry them beyond the gates of this prison.

We began the year by exploring the Sacraments of the Church. These past two classes, we focus on the sacraments of Reconciliation and Anointing of the Sick. Both are sacraments of healing and ways that God's forgiveness is delivered to us. His forgiveness comes through those he's appointed to minister in his name and those that follow his teachings. I refer them to this passage in John 20:19-23...

[Jesus] said to them [the apostles] again, "peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, so I send you." And when he had said this, be breathed on them and said to them, "receive the holy Spirit. Whose sins you forgive are forgiven them.

As human beings, we need to use our senses to feel the presence of God. Only in the presence of God can we know that we have been forgiven. We find that presence in at least four ways. His presence is where two or more are gathered in his name. His presence comes to us in His Word. He presents himself to us through the priest during the conveying of the sacraments. And finally and more powerfully, we find Him in the transformation of wine and bread as Eucharist. Jesus knew that we need to feel God's presence and so He commissioned his apostles with this wonderful sacrament of Reconciliation. It gives us what our hearts, ears and eyes need to begin the healing process. In His presence, we can be certain that we are forgiven.

I am surprised by the ease at which each of these ladies is able to accept the concept of confession and that they can believe so easily that God forgives them. They tell me that they have so much to be forgiven and they also understand that God is great and can forgive all sins.  As the discussion transitions, EC asks "What is a mortal sin." I explain that mortal sins are those actions that break God's commandments and separate us from Him.

Somehow the discussion moves to particular sins and how hard it is NOT to judge others. I try to explain that we cannot judge others and point to two of them saying “For example:  As a Christian, I would never judge you if You (pointing to one lady) did (blank) or you (pointing to another) if you did (blank)." I continued, "That is between you and God.”

The lady I point to first, quickly looks down and then slowly turns her eyes to me. I feel my heart sink when I hear her say, in almost a whisper, “I did do that. “ Seconds later, the other lady says “Me too.”  Sometimes you just want to turn back Time and  have a do over. This was one time I wished I had that power. I feel sick to my stomach. But then, I realize that there must be a reason that the Holy Spirit, brought this topic out into the light. It could not be avoided and once the ice was broken, I found out how hard it is for them to forgive themselves for everything they have done.

It is my hope that our talk helped to heal some of the hurt, shame and unforgiveness each one has for themselves. It’s not easy to admit you’ve made a mistake. It’s even harder when you know that those mistakes started a chain of events that tore your life apart.

As outsiders, we think that people in prison need to be punished for the wrongs they have committed and that this "penance" is their way of paying their debt to society. I've heard people say, "Prisoners need to suffer for what they did." Well, if that is so, then our prisons are working very well, because every day these women are reminded that they are not "good" and that they should feel "guilty" about the errors they have made. Every day they contemplate how their actions have affected not only the victims of their crime but also their parents, husbands, children and other family members. As they do their time, the weight of anger at themselves grows and begins to destroy any chance they have for turning their lives around.

They seek the love of God and believe that God forgives them, because God is good and can do what is in their own eyes impossible for them to do.  This is really their best chance.

Outwardly you may know that God can forgive you because he is a forgiving compassionate and amazing God, but inwardly will you forgive yourself? We must not carry the past with us. It will only create guilt. A guilt that will destroy us. A guilt that keeps us from forgiving what God has already forgiven.

Who are we to think we are more righteous than God? Only he has the right to "NOT forgive us."  

                                                     And He would NEVER do that…  

Please continue to pray for these ladies in prison.

Loving More

(2/2) I arrived and checked in with the guard on Wednesday. Passing through the metal detector, I forgot to remove my keys and had to go through it again. It was cold by Tucson standards - in the 40’s, the 30 mph wind blowing. I limp up to the guard station because of a recently sprained ankle. The security procedure of locking us into the classroom area means I take a seat near the guard station to wait until the ladies have been fed and released to that area rather than wait in the yard, and be cold.

I see M.S. as she heads toward the chow line, she sees me and sits down. She decides to skip the meal today. We chat about her family. We talk about the progress of the four ladies in the RCIA program. This is her second time as a sponsor and many of the ladies look up to her as a mother figure. As she talks I realize what a wonderful blessing she is to them. M.S. has been in prison for several years and she has a gift for stating it like it is. She gives objective advice on how to deal with life in prison and she is a good Catholic. Her advice includes help for them on understanding God and how he needs to be a part of their life right now.

During our talk, she tells me that one of our ladies, R.M, who was released last year - has returned to prison. R.M. was so determined to stay out of prison. Why did she fail? There are so many reasons that could cause that “why.” We wonder aloud whether she had the support she needed to succeed. These ladies need to have loving support as they transition back into the real world and they need to be anchored in their faith in God, who will be their strength when it gets tough. This is disheartening for the both of us.

The guard announces the service and another arrives to escort us to the classroom area. As we make our way slowly along, a few ladies from our little church group join us – more follow behind. They tell me that R.M. is back in prison. Their faces reveal their concern for her but I see something more – compassion and love. Putting themselves in the place of R.M. they can truly feel for her. They are connected to her and her attempt to start anew. We all say a silent prayer for her. I say a prayer for each of them.

After our Communion Service, we begin this week’s lesson on Social Justice. I have asked them to read the chapter and a handout on Love. D.B. tells me that she really liked the handout. The others chime in that they did too. They understand right away that Social Justice is about loving your neighbor. We talk about the different kinds of love. We discuss how love can go wrong when it becomes obsessive or selfish. As part of the lesson, they were asked to contemplate the question, “Have I loved enough?”

D.B. says this question really made her think. She has always felt that love is the greatest of the virtues. She quotes Corinthians “if I am without love, I am nothing.” Each of the ladies reflected that they love others. They even love those who are not the most lovable people. They also realize that they need to love more.

Don’t we all need to love more?

R.S. and T.S. both feel that in the past they did not love themselves enough. They understand how hard it is to love others if you cannot love yourself. F.A. says that that the more she learns about God’s love the more she feels the grace and love within and she intends to love more as a result. I add that by feeling the love of others we also learn how to love ourselves and others. Self love is not a selfish love, it is a love of the person God created. We are special, unique and cherished by God for who we are – not for what we do.

F.A. says that “He alone is teaching me Day by Day to Love.”

I pray that is true for all of us.

Please pray for our prison community as they continue their walk with the Lord.