What are my gifts?

(2/9) We opened with a beautiful prayer to the Holy Spirit requesting that the Holy Spirit grant us the many gifts of the Spirit.  This week’s lesson is on the vocation of the laity. The mood of the group is downcast - everyone seems to be drained. This could be because they have been locked down all day during the packing up of 20+ prisoners, who are being transferred to Perryville.  

With F.A. gone our group has dwindled to three participants, two sponsors and me.  We have been temporarily moved to another classroom, our regular room is filled with the transferring inmates’ possessions. I thank God that we have a nice classroom though not as large. In the past year, the prison had difficulty finding a place for us and we had to use the “strip shack” for a couple of months. This “room” is used for searching the inmates as they return from their outside work details and dredges up unpleasant images for my girls.

   

We begin the lesson and during the chapter review, one of the women reveals that she did not read the chapter. This happens now and then. I am fine with it as long as they are honest with me, upfront. Then another says that she was unable to do the written homework. I recall from last year that the women in that group also had a hard time with this particular homework. The homework was to “Name the gifts God has given you and how God might be calling you to use these gifts in making the world a better place. If you don’t know what your gifts are - ask a friend.”

This homework is particularly challenging for these ladies because they find it extremely hard to name anything good about themselves. The whole concept of prison is to make you feel bad about what you did, unfortunately it goes overboard and makes you feel that everything about you is bad. They have been told for so long that they are bad that finding something in themselves that is good is almost impossible.

When asked why she didn’t find a friend to help her, T.S. said that she couldn’t find anyone to help her. D.B. also could not find someone to ask except for her cellmate who refused to help her because they don’t “share the same faith or beliefs.” D.B. was completely frustrated and did her homework on her own. R.S. asked her sponsor and came up with a long list of gifts. Before they shared what they had written, I asked one of the sponsors if she could give an example by listing her gifts.

M.S. has great self awareness and came up with a long list.  This helped break the ice and R.S. listed her gifts. D.B. read hers which was a short list but very insightful. We talked with T.S. who was sure that she did not have gifts. After awhile we found that she is very organized and taught herself how to take computers apart and put them back together again. We talked about how those gifts could be used to help others find Christ.

Sometimes one must take the time to look inward and list the many gifts that have been given to each one of us. If we don’t know our gifts, how can we use them.  God did not give us gifts to be used only for our own enjoyment or never using. We must use what he has given us, to promote the gospel and the message of Christ. Do you know what your gifts are? Are you using them for His glory?

Please pray for these ladies and our prison community as they continue their walk with the Lord.  

& then there were three

(2/9) Arriving at the prison today, F.A.  runs up to me. The words that come out don’t make sense to me “I’m leaving.” What? I recall her telling me that she has three more years to serve, can it be that they are letting her out early?  But then I listen. I see the fear in her eyes and hear the anguish in her words. “I’m going back to Perryville tomorrow.” She continues, “ I won’t be able to finish my classes and receive my sacraments!” 

It has been 25 weeks since F.A. started this process with 3 other women – to leave it unfinished is like another failure but more than that is means uncertainty and confusion. It also creates a gap of time in which doubt and futility can get in the way of her search for God.

Being in prison has a way of stripping away everything that is good and loving.  There are no guarantees that a person will be here one day to the next. Nothing is sacred. While that is true with life, it happens here more often and on most occasions there is no choice in what happens to you.

The chaplain’s assistant, S.B. tells me not to worry F.A.  will be fine at Perryville, they have some excellent prison ministers and she can start the process again. I know that is true. But what I also know is - just because someone can start over again and just because there are great “programs” that can help them doesn’t mean that F.A. will be able to continue.  S.B. doesn’t understand the close bond that has been formed in this small group of believers. She doesn’t understand the support and strength that F.A. has found in her own community. F.A. feels as though her family has been torn away from her – again. Her sense of normalcy, what little you can find in prison, is shattered. How many times does a person get knocked down and still come up in one piece? I know that God will be there for her, but will she get up and continue her journey to him? I hope so.  

23 women were sent back to Perryville. Perryville is the large facility north of Phoenix that houses the majority of women prisoners in the state of Arizona.  My visits are to the smaller unit in Tucson. I’m told that F.A. is going to the San Carlos unit. This is good news. A former sponsor and newly baptized member of our group - A.I. is there.  We hope that F.A. can find her and perhaps A.I. can help her finish her studies.   Pray that she finds the fortitude to finish. 

Loving More

(2/2) I arrived and checked in with the guard on Wednesday. Passing through the metal detector, I forgot to remove my keys and had to go through it again. It was cold by Tucson standards - in the 40’s, the 30 mph wind blowing. I limp up to the guard station because of a recently sprained ankle. The security procedure of locking us into the classroom area means I take a seat near the guard station to wait until the ladies have been fed and released to that area rather than wait in the yard, and be cold.

I see M.S. as she heads toward the chow line, she sees me and sits down. She decides to skip the meal today. We chat about her family. We talk about the progress of the four ladies in the RCIA program. This is her second time as a sponsor and many of the ladies look up to her as a mother figure. As she talks I realize what a wonderful blessing she is to them. M.S. has been in prison for several years and she has a gift for stating it like it is. She gives objective advice on how to deal with life in prison and she is a good Catholic. Her advice includes help for them on understanding God and how he needs to be a part of their life right now.

During our talk, she tells me that one of our ladies, R.M, who was released last year - has returned to prison. R.M. was so determined to stay out of prison. Why did she fail? There are so many reasons that could cause that “why.” We wonder aloud whether she had the support she needed to succeed. These ladies need to have loving support as they transition back into the real world and they need to be anchored in their faith in God, who will be their strength when it gets tough. This is disheartening for the both of us.

The guard announces the service and another arrives to escort us to the classroom area. As we make our way slowly along, a few ladies from our little church group join us – more follow behind. They tell me that R.M. is back in prison. Their faces reveal their concern for her but I see something more – compassion and love. Putting themselves in the place of R.M. they can truly feel for her. They are connected to her and her attempt to start anew. We all say a silent prayer for her. I say a prayer for each of them.

After our Communion Service, we begin this week’s lesson on Social Justice. I have asked them to read the chapter and a handout on Love. D.B. tells me that she really liked the handout. The others chime in that they did too. They understand right away that Social Justice is about loving your neighbor. We talk about the different kinds of love. We discuss how love can go wrong when it becomes obsessive or selfish. As part of the lesson, they were asked to contemplate the question, “Have I loved enough?”

D.B. says this question really made her think. She has always felt that love is the greatest of the virtues. She quotes Corinthians “if I am without love, I am nothing.” Each of the ladies reflected that they love others. They even love those who are not the most lovable people. They also realize that they need to love more.

Don’t we all need to love more?

R.S. and T.S. both feel that in the past they did not love themselves enough. They understand how hard it is to love others if you cannot love yourself. F.A. says that that the more she learns about God’s love the more she feels the grace and love within and she intends to love more as a result. I add that by feeling the love of others we also learn how to love ourselves and others. Self love is not a selfish love, it is a love of the person God created. We are special, unique and cherished by God for who we are – not for what we do.

F.A. says that “He alone is teaching me Day by Day to Love.”

I pray that is true for all of us.

Please pray for our prison community as they continue their walk with the Lord.